Things I don't understand about girls

I know this subject has been beaten to death a few times over, but it’s my turn to take a swing. I have 21 years of solid anecdotal confusion about my own gender- I think that says something on the subject just there. All of these observations come from the sheer volume of girls I am around all the time. At school, my graduating major class has 1 boy total, and as a result, aside from the odd elective, all of my classes are all girls. I also have had 10 different girls as roommates over 3 years due to suites and transfers- so I think I have a variety of resources. So here we go.

They take forever to get ready

If you gave a girl all day, she would literally use every last second of it to get ready to go somewhere. I would use it, but it’s a huge pain in the ass. Painting your face with 6 layers of makeup, damaging your hair in multiple fashions and THEN tearing the contents of your wardrobe to shreds to find an outfit is a grueling and intensive process of which I try to stay out of as much as possible.  Not for some people though. If we decide to go out by 11, I know girls who will decide to start to shower at like 9pm. For real?  If I know that the chances are high that I will be going out later, I will prepare in advance. I will shower in the morning and get my hair to a state that isn’t unsightly. That’s probably it. If I haven’t sweat profusely during the day, there’s no need to shower and wash your hair again. Because then you have to dry and style it after and before you know it, 3 hours have passed. The process alone to get ready for girls is too much. Hair, makeup, outfit etc… ITS TOO MUCH. I like to think that my hair and makeup take me the shortest time because I tend to get fed up and just whack makeup on. I take a century to pick out my outfit, though. No matter how hard I try to prepare in advance it still takes me forever and I usually pick the original outfit after I try on like 10 others.  With my roommates, it has gotten so bad when we go out, that if I am the first one ready, by the time everyone else is, I’ve already had time to take a nap and like 50 selfies of myself going from looking good to a something resembling me wearing a mask of a melting gothic clown.

They are hypocrites

Hypocrite may be a strong word, so I guess “serial flippy-flopper” may be more appropriate. What I mean by this is that girls say things, and then do the exact opposite. I, unfortunately, included. But let me explain: I hate girls. I just do. However, I am mostly friends with girls just because I am so painfully awkward around boys. It’s genuinely embarrassing, but something I am working on because girls are just so finicky. Perhaps this is why I’m in a constant state of such cynicism. However, I have noticed some girls who have taken this a dramatic step further.

Names and exact scenario have been changed, but general example is the same.

A girl I know had a friend who received a gift to the tune of...let's say a vegetable seeds. These two friends planned on sharing a big garden. But when she found out about the vegetables, she freaked out about how she only wanted to plant flowers and then she, as a result, refused to share a garden with her friend and because it might touch the flowers she wanted to plant. During the harvest, the girl who insisted on only planting flowers started exclusively planting vegetables because all of a sudden she loved them. What happened when I learned of this via social media was something along the lines of curiosity and “are you actually serious?”.

I do understand some of the flippy flopping, however. For instance, if I didn’t hang out with any girls and really stuck to my guns about hating them, I would be a total loner and just sit on this blog and write about the devastating lack of friends I have on my own behalf. But for some people, its just a terrifying fear of not fitting in, so they change opinions faster than a quick change artist. This statement could be a whole breakdown in and of itself but for now, I press on.

Constant new best friends

In keeping with the flip flop theme, girls somehow get new best friends every day. This one particular girl I know updates her instagram on the reg and it’s of her and random ass girls she meets and/or gets drunk with and before you know it, they are lifelong friends who would not be whole without each other. I find this confusing. How do you know who is your best friend and who isn’t? Do they feel the same way? How many holiday gifts am I looking at buying here? If I go out every weekend for 2 months and adopt a new BFF each time, that’s at least 8 gifts I’m obligated to get people. I’m broke as hell- I hope my new friends like macaroni art in the shape of what I think the first letter of their name is AS WE ARE STRANGERS. More than that, the more you say something, the faster the word loses meaning. If I call everyone I meet my new best friend, when I actually do get a best friend based on the normal best friend qualifications other than “is popular” and “will get me into bars and by drinks” will I be able to tell? What happens if I spend all my money on monogrammed macaroni art for strangers rather than a hilarious and sentimental gift for my actual best friend? It’s just so confusing to me! Unfortunately, like everything else I’ve listed here, I have fallen victim to this as well… once or twice….until I realized that I was being a huge idiot.  

Here I am with my casual best friends Niall and Zayn. We met at a party and i had to take so many pics and let everyone know how we were going to be best friends forever and ever. Good going Kaitie. 

Competition

Girls like girls that make them look good. Whether it is physical or social, its 100% true. What I mean by this is girls scope out other people they think will either help them feel fantastic about themselves or ones that help them climb the social ladder.

Physical: Girls want to feel hot. They want to feel like they are the best looking girl within a particular square footage. To do so, girls scope out other girls who may be good looking, but not so much that it is more than them. OR girls are drawn to other girls that are at the same level, so they can form a clump of attractiveness and lure in gaggles of men. I have stumbled into a similar situation, only I am without a doubt the ugly duckling of the group- even though it was just my roommates. All my roommates happened to be gorgeous and I, being average, look like the evil witch from Snow White when I stand next to them.  I do however feel socially more popular next to them… but it is an obvious sign of a charity invite when you take a picture and take a second to pick out the one thing that doesn’t match the others… however, I have had a taste of how it feels to be on the top of the looks ladder and though it was kind of exhillirating, it felt so cheap. I’d rather be commended on achievements that mean something rather than happening to be the skinniest girl in a 10 meter radius. But that is just something I’ve learned about myself through this.

Social: Girls name drop as a sign that they know more and cooler people than you do. It’s a very social way to selectively pick your friends based on who can introduce you to the most people the fastest and most superficially. My now former roommates, between the 5 of them know everyone. I know no one so it was literally like I had to keep a running list of who’s who. When we’d go out, I felt so out of place, but so BA walking next to girls who literally had to stop every 3 feet to say hi to like 6 people. However this bit me hard in the ass when I was deemed “too embarrassing” to be seen with them due to my general lack of concern of what other people think about me, as I am too busy having fun. I kid you not, a few of them sat me down and told me “we all want to hang out as roommates, but you embarrass us when we go out”.  That conversation actually haunts me…so thanks guys… as a result, I just go for people who actually make me happy and are fun to be around.

My rant about how girls have shaped me into the cynic that I am today has come to an end for now as there are way more experiences and generalizations I haven’t tapped into yet to get my message out to the typical, college girl girls out there:

Be better than this, ladies. I know we aren’t perfect as I have included some examples of how I fit into each one of these categories, but I strive to learn something from it. Be happy with you, not the people you strategically place around you to look better. Find a stance on something and stick to it… have real friends and not cheap instagram best friends who you take a picture with to feel popular and awesome- real friends are so much better. You can create memories, not spam on your follower’s instagram feed of 100 different girls who you talk shit about in your spare time. Most of all, stop caring what people will think about the people you have around you and start caring about the people you have around you. It’s way easier and more fun 

Things I don't understand

Things I don’t understand:

I like to try to hold myself to the philosophy of “to each his own”. I also like to think that I am an open-minded person. There are, however, a number of things that I straight up don’t understand. While I can see the potential upside and credentials to each of the following items, I still don’t see how these things make sense. Enlighten me, please.

1.     1.  The first thing that I do not understand is VIP booths at clubs. I go to college and one of the hot spots at said college is quite possibly and unfortunately one of the dirtiest locales there are. It’s one of those places where you go there once to see what the fuss is and hopefully never ever go back. Sadly, I have been a handful of times, because I am an awesome friend. Recently, this club was so grotesque that it had to close and be reborn as something that could put the party shuttle that carts us to the club from respective colleges back in business. One of the new attractions is a VIP booth. Dirty club, I ask you this: WHY? Yes, VIP booths provide a sense of hierarchy that people feel the need to spend money on, but even as a lowly broke college gal, when I go to the club, I don’t go to watch other people dance… I go to get down, krump battle and maybe even break-dance fight. I don’t understand how people from “The Hills” could just sit in a club and not dance. That’s like going to a nail salon, paying to get the most expensive treatment only to inhale acetone and nail dust.

2.   2.    Heat. When I jotted this down to go on about how I don’t understand why it’s so damn hot outside, it was 100 degrees outside and my camp counselor job resulted in me playing hide-and-seek and laying in a black flatbed of a truck in direct sunlight, where the only prize was severe burns on half of my body. Now that I’m getting around to this topic, it is in the negatives with a wind chill factor that literally makes going outside painful. So right now I would love heat. It’s a horrible cycle. I am freezing, and I wish for heat. I am sweating bullets and I wish for cold. So I suppose this isn’t valid but I felt like this had to be said.

3.     3.  Running: I so want to love running. Two of my roommates are actually in Florida right now preparing to run a half marathon two days from now. While I respect runners and wish I knew what they were talking about, I don’t understand how running for 2 hours straight is appealing. I don’t mind jogging for like 30 minutes for some cardio, but cannot wrap my brain around the psychology or physicality of marathons. I even tried to like running. I tried to see if I could love it and I also did it so I could do races with my roommates. I sort of gave up because while they’re running upwards of 10 miles I’m the loser who is like “alright! I can’t wait until I can run a 5k!”. that’s child’s play to them. So until I lose myself in running, my only conclusion so far is bitches be cray.

4.   4.    Cats- Cats are hiding something. I know they are. You can just tell they know more than you. And for some reason, they always know that I’m allergic as they like to sleep on my person, or more specifically on my face. What I don’t understand is how I can still want one a little bit. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little bit terrified of felines, but when they are so tiny and cute I melt. Once they start to grow, though I’ll have a cat sale. How can such a creature have such a disjointed effect on me?

5.  5.    Cats the musical: Since I sort of hate cats, I think I should tell you that it may or may not stem from a traumatic experience I had when I was nine. I saw Cats in the West End in London. I was mildly excited, but the second a grown man in a spandex onesie with a tail, ears and makeup crawled over my lap and into my mom’s, purring the whole time, something snapped. I also don’t understand why cats singing about their lives were such a big hit. Maybe Andrew Lloyd Webber really kept the target audience of middle-aged women in mind because they tend to like both musicals and cats. Way to go, man.

6.    6.   Decaffeination: People drink coffee for the jolt of energy they get, not the delightful taste. Once people get nice and addicted to the caffeine, they then start to maybe consider taste. When you take the caffeine out of a beverage, you take the fun out of it. I don’t crave coffee, I crave the caffeine to shake me back to reality and help me make it through my day without ending up sleep-drooling in class. If I drank coffee that was decaf, unless it was some cruel placebo situation, I would definitely not enjoy it as much as I would if I knew for a fact that the bitter taste of coffee would yield some pretty sweet concentration.