You may think this is one of those eye-catching titles that will make you want to read more...but you are grossly incorrect. This is a serious topic brought to me by a dear friend. She almost fell victim to an abduction herself last night. As she was sitting in her car, debating her next move, I sprung into action and searched the steps of how to survive an abduction.
Laugh it up if you want, but when it happens to you, the Alien will know you dismissed this information and when you try to backtrack and repent, it will be
GONE.
Here are the events as they occurred: format of a Captain’s log? Yes.
February 28, 2012:
10:15pm: Okay dude, I just got home and when I drove up, I saw a big flash of light behind the barn. Wtf.
10:16pm: Lightening? or Alien?
10:17pm: Freaking Aliens. Okay, just saw another weird light. Still in the car.
10:20pm: Oh my god, oh my god, it’s ET!
10:21pm: OMFG!
10:22pm: What are you going to do?!
10:27pm: I should probably get out of the car.
10:28pm: That might be a start. Step two, in my opinion would be to fashion a hat out of tin foil just in case the aliens try to abduct you!
[After a 30 minute phone conversation of my friend debating getting out of her car, she makes it into her house]
11:03pm: All I have is saran wrap! Maybe I should just put a pot on my head?
That is when I jumped into action! I turned to my trusty tool, ehow.com and searched “surviving an alien abduction”. I picked up a wealth of knowledge on how to survive many an alien attack, up to and including an alien apocalypse, abduction, plain old attack and also how to survive not getting a date to junior prom. The later i found to be irrelevant, but all the information pertaining to aliens I found to be most helpful. If you don’t mind, I am going to share with you some helpful tips and tricks I picked up...
To survive an Alien abduction, you should:
a. Keep calm and fill your head with thoughts about Earth. If the alien trying to abduct you sees how much you love being on Earth, perhaps he will show mercy and NOT abduct you.
b. Don’t let the alien sense your fear. Tell it you do NOT want to go with him loudly and often as the language barrier will be excessive...like a few galaxies or so...
c. Fight back if confronted by the alien. Show it that you are not afraid to become physical if you don’t get your way. Aliens prefer meek victims who won’t throw things at them in dire times.
d. Last but certainly not least, profess to the alien that this is your first time being abducted. Usually, abductees will tell you that they have been abducted by aliens more than once. This is because aliens do not think that they are boring. If you express that this is your first time, perhaps the alien with think you’re boring.
If you were wondering, no, my friend was not abducted.
You’re welcome, America.
